|Cable, a summary in 886 words
||[Jul. 1st, 2008|03:14 pm]
Wow, this community is teeny! I guess it's because Cable on his own is less fun than Cable + You-Know-Who. I'm glad he has his own place, at least. :) Anyway.
I just started a new journal, ask_deadpool, in which Deadpool answers questions (any questions!), and one of the questions I just answered was:
You know, recently I tried to explain Cable’s backstory to a friend of mine and failed miserably, could you perhaps help us out and explain it in a way even a pre-schooler would get? We’re stupid like that, and would really appreciate the help.
So, you know, I thought people here might be interested in it too, because his backstory really is hella confusing. And also because I had fun writing it.
So do you want me to get out the hand-puppets, then?
...Darn, where did I put that Cable puppet? Hmm...sock drawer, dirty boxers, um...
...Actually, I think I can answer this one even without it. Yeah! I really can. OK, here we go:
a. Cable’s real name is actually Nathan Christopher Gesundheit Charles Askani’son Summers Priscilla Geronimo Jackson Liefield-Nicieza.
b. He’s half-flesh, half-techno-organic metal, and ALL man.
c. His eye glows, and you REALLY don’t want to piss him off when that’s happening. Really.
d. He can throw things around with his mind and also read your mind without even blinking one glowy eye. His favorite hobby is to take things apart and make them float around so they look like those diagrams you get from IKEA that show you how Slot A is supposed to fit into Slot B even though you’ve really only got two Slot Cs and the stupid TV table shouldn’t BE this complicated and...oh.
e. He’s the son of Cyclops and Jean Grey’s clone Madelyne Pryor. Mister Sinister created him from their DNA to use as a weapon against Apocalypse, who’s this mutant who wants people to worship him as a god and is a real pain in the a$$. Apocalypse realizes Cable is a threat and infects him with a techno-organic virus that, ironically, a time-traveling adult Cable had infected Apocalypse with centuries before (no, really). Cable struggles with the disease, and Cyclops is told to send him into the future so he can be saved.
Baby!Cable arrives in the future and is cared for by the Askani (read: some weird name that means his half-sister Rachel and her followers, actually. I have no idea). She has him cloned because she is a doofus. Apocalypse comes and steals the clone and pets him and woos him and names him
Squishie Stryfe, heir to the Throne of Apocalypse (which is basically the Throne of Trying To Conquer Things for No Reason Whatsoever, as far as I can tell). Cable, meanwhile, is reared by Cyclops and Jean or their minds in the future or some such thing I could never really follow. They are a woobie family until he is 14.
Woobie family leaves Cable right in those Difficult Teenage Years and he ends up fighting people and killing things and blowing stuff up a lot. It happens. Then he follows Stryfe into the past because he is a moron (runs in the family) and starts a mercenary group with The Lamest Name Ever, makes them all hate him, and starts another group called X-Force. That’s about when I meet him and try, repeatedly, to kill him. He mails me back to my boss by Federal Express and I HATE HIM. He leads a bunch of teenagers into Danger and Death numerous times, has a fling with Domino, and has a bunch of lame adventures no one really remembers. He has some Moments of Woobieness with his parents, defeats Stryfe at some point, travels around kicking merc butt on a global level, and then gets the BRILLIANT idea to be Mutant Jesus of the World.
He builds an island out of pieces of abandoned time-traveling space-ship (yes, really), invites all the cool kids to join him there in Being All Intellectual and Stuff, kicks me out just ‘cause I killed some terrorist dude, and starts riots in all the political offices by being better at their jobs than they are without even wiggling a toenail.
He tricks me into putting together this jigsaw thing that will lobotomize him, because it turns out he’s TOO POWERFUL OMG! and he’s going to burn out and stuff and why not go out with a bang? So I do it ‘cause he asks me to and WHAT DO I GET? Leper status for killing the Mutant Jesus. GEEZ. So then I have to go around trying to find something to fix his mutant comatose butt, and I DO, and everyone STILL hates me, and I can’t WIN, and it’s JUST NOT FAIR. And then he fights some Thing and turns into a baby on another world and I have to go find him because otherwise ad revenues will plummet and finally I do and he ages into his ol’ crabby self again and kinda fixes my memory in the process.
Then he chooses the totally wrong side during Civil War and I’ve got a badge and a license to ill but he’s all jealous so he makes me look bad and MAN, he always wants to be on top of me, doesn’t he? Just always has to be on top. Just once, JUST ONCE, I want to get on his ass, but noooooooo, that’s not allowed, is it? And...oh.
He joins the X-Men and does a bunch of stuff and ends up with a mutant baby and now he’s on the run changing diapers and $*@& while I get to start kicking Skrull butt in September. I rock.
Wait, you know what? Strike all that. Really, all you need to know is that the only time he’s interesting at all is when I’m in the scene, too. But if you copied and pasted all that other junk I wrote above in an email to your friend, he (or she) might just start to understand why Cable
is so awesome has so many ISSUES.